Picture Perfect

Listen, I know you were in a sorority, but not every woman who looks at a picture of you is in a race to point out your flaws to you before you can bring them up yourself. It really gets old trying to reassure you that you don’t have a fat ass, whether I think you do or not. I don’t have the time or energy to nitpick all your flaws when I see a photo of you, so just let it go, ok?

Although, you truly did not look ‘in love’ in that one picture, I don’t care what you say. It’s not your fault, you have those weird eyes, and they just looked wide with fright. Sorry.

What, you didn’t race me to point that flaw out?

Fucking Stars

First off, your tattoo is not attractive, so those ‘compliments’ you get on it are probably people trying to figure out how to be nice without drawing attention to the fact that they are inwardly rolling their eyes at how unoriginal it is, not to mention ugly.

The very fact that someone actually thinks it sounds ‘original’ leads me to believe that you surround yourself with idiots to make yourself feel smart.

Secondly, if it’s meant to be an outward expression of what you want people to know about you, why is it such a fucking secret about what it ’stands for’?!? Once again, a lame power trip attempt. You feel all good and strong and powerful because you know something and we don’t, na na na boo boo!! Guess what? Nobody gives a fuck what it stands for or what the colors represent, all they can see is that you got the lamest, most overdone tattoo ever and you put it on your fucking foot.

I hope it did hurt.

Just a thought.

Hey, Asshole. If you hate your job so fucking much, here’s a thought: quit.

And maybe quit complaining about how broke you are if you keep buying monogrammed designer handbags, mmmkay?

Not So Secret Secrets

If you are dealing with something ‘confidential’ and can’t talk about it, how about…not fucking talking about it?

Telling me how stressed you are because you’re dealing with something – but it’s top secret, so you can’t talk about it – and expecting me to forgive you for acting like a douchebag because you’re so stressed from dealing with it, does not make my sympathetic in the slightest.

It just makes me annoyed that you won’t shut the fuck up about this thing you can’t talk about.